Chemical Cynic Gifts

'It's too bad about them banning DDT. I was just getting to like it.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

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'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

The Forever Stamp

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"