Cheerful Pretenders Gifts

Miserable man holding a balloon with smiling face.

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

Retirement homes' 'pill fight'.

ABC Diapers. Comfy Tushy Diapers. Now 3 times more absorbent! Note to self: Drink 4 times more juice.

"We can speak freely now. I've encrypted the line."

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

Someone's going to have to tell him he's adopted...

"I'm thinking action roles might not really be your thing."

'I'm sorry, Mr. President, he can't come to the phone right now...he's doing that crazy hand jive.'

Back to the Holidays

"But honey, I've spent my last 30 years pretending to look busy. I can't quit overnight."

'Let's just keep quiet about this, and maybe some terrorist group will claim credit.'

"You need more info? Listen, son, our ancestors faked it, I fake it, and by gawd, it's time you learned to fake it."

'Stop fooling around, I can hear my dad coming out of the shower...'

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

"I'm ready to play Hide and go Seek."

'No problem Mr. Billings, just drop your shorts and let me take a sniff around there.'

'I am unable to find the words to respond to that.'

Children in a Nursery.

Remember, when we show mommy, we pretend this was your idea, ok?

"So there's this big Mother...."

"Athlete? No. Ambulance chaser."

Children must be accompanied by an adult.

"I'm feeling generous."

"Shouldn't hide treats in your back pocket with a dog that big."

Plagiarism

I love this age: Old enough to know better, young enough to get away with it. Ketchup.

Hide and Seek

Kid sweeps dirt under his junk on the floor.

Modern animal communication

"Because we're jerks."

The Old Good Cop/Bad Cop Routine.

'They're praying the school doesn't find out that they've been pretending to be religious.'

'Could this mean that we're finally profitable?'