Cheerful Conversationalist Gifts

Nice Old Ladies Tend to Look at the Bright Side of Things: 'As kids my brother and I took turns beating each other up!' 'Well, I think it's wonderful when kids take turns!'

PSA Banter.

Why we need poetry. . .

Annual run-off at the mouth.

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

Crow and fox

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

Snow is falling...

"Oh Gregori! You tell such funny stories!"

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

'Casual Friday's never caught on in this department.'

Jokes machine.

'I do so much better with women when I quit trying to understand them and just repeat what they say to each other.'

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

The Algonquin Round Table

Bat out of Hell

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

'The bar association barred me from going before the bar...So I came to a bar.'

"Tell her I'm exercising my twenty-first amendment rights."

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

"So, what is your star sign?"

'Well - how has everyone wasted time and energy today?'

'Fancy a good time - no strings attached?'

'Every time I go on an ego trip, I get hijacked by terrorists!'

"Gracie, you're a good mud artist."

"Have you ever licked cream off a woman's body?"