Cheeky Spouse Gifts

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

"Careful with that - the wife made it at pottery class."

'Jenkins, about these coffee breaks of yours...'

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

'In our thirty years of marriage she's squirreled away loads of money, but she can't remember where.'

'Today the market corrected itself AND Leonard.'

"You're obviously under consideration for something."

'My dad is a CEO - don't trust him!'

'Dinner was taking too long, so I just went ahead and ordered pizza.'

'Rudolph! Now I know the secret of your bright and shiny nose!'

"For last meal, I'm thinking unlimited breadsticks, endless shrimp and bottomless coffee."

Before the smart phone there was the smart mouth.

"Wake up Jeff. You're snoring again!"

"Yes Mildred, I'm washing the dishes now."

Classic SM.

'To summarise the tariffs, sympathy is £19/day, empathy £27 and obsequy £34.'

'It's bad enough losing to a takeover bid, but when it's your wife who takes over....'

'The lads are hoping you'll get time off for good behaviour - say next Tuesday fortnight at the Red Lion....'

'Well, there's plague in town, everyone will believe you if you pull a sickie...'

'We save a fortune each year by running our children through a tax haven.'

'There's always one.'

Cat's busy calendar

'I'm hoping to get a rise from my boss.'

"You can be a right stirrer sometimes!"

'I'll tell you why you never catch cold. There isn't a germ that could live with you.'

"If that's my matching sock, I'm not here."

'Hello dear, what are you doing home on halloween? Shouldn't you be out on your broomstick?'

'I plead guilty to all charges, but deny any wrongdoing.'

'Your Mom's going to happy hour. Let's order pizza.'

In every port a portal

"Well, well, well! If it isn't hanky and panky!"

''No, sir, adult living doesn't mean X-rated."

I gave up smoking to annoy the wife by living longer.

"Spoiler alert – eventually you will die and I get to be a happy single woman."

'John keeps saying he misses the dog but we never had a dog. It's weird.'