Checkout Connoisseur Gifts

Man unable to find checkout as signs say: 'Eight items or less','Cash only' and 'I'll think of something'.

I'm thinking of becoming a personal shopper. What's that? It's where you buy things for people who are too busy to go shopping themselves. I mean, I love to shop. I love it more than almost anything. They say if you love your work, you never "work" a day in your life. HOJ. To each his own, I guess. I love everything about shopping. From the seductive "open" sign, to the supple checkout lines.

'That's eleven..!!' ( 10 items or less counter ).

'This is ridiculous You should open another register,'

"Too 'Book of Genesis'?"

"I feel like we've walked into some sort of epidemic of hipatitus."

"Are you looking to accentuate or camouflage?"

'Enter, 'The Globoracy'.'

Workout clothes: 'One size fits none.'

The Personal ATM

"I hope he's wearing pants."

'Guess who made a bushel today?'

"If Marcus Aurelius himself were standing here today, I'm sure he would agree this suit reflects perfectly your stoic sensibilities."

"Most of my consumerism is self-taught."

'I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was busy critiquing your outfit?'

"FYI – your camel hair blazer started it."

A tailor measuring a jacket.

The King of Salesmen says 'Why sir, I believe you need a new tie.'

'Hoo boy, yes! B-o-o-o-ring!!'

Garden Centre: Bonsai trolleys.

"With this app, I can track my savings. It counts cash, categorizes cash, and calculates cash interest."

Ask Mr. Buck: Financial Advisor. "Dear Mr. Buck, Why do so many people have trouble with their finances?" Money talks, but it does not give directions. (Published previously on Nov. 15, 2004.)

Young man standing with hands in pockets because it is the fashion at his college

'I don't know much about art, but I know what I like.'

Golfers lost on the road

Stock marketeers shooting each other playfully with guns full of money

"No this is timeless classic menswear appreciation. Hipster beatnik is Tuesday nights."

"We only shop brick and mortar because my husband likes to be disgruntled face-to-face when returning things."

Hot Dog Stand

'I can't tell you what I spent for reasons of national security.'

'I've got a question. If your answer is 'Yes', I'll hate you. If your answer is 'No', I'll hate you, too. The question is, do you think I need a new dress because I'm looking fat in this one?'

I'm sorry, they don't make dresses large on the inside and small on the outside!

"We are looking for the non-yucky apparel."

"Do you do these in sheep?"

"If you're going to grub for something, it might as well be money."