Chatty Critic Pillows

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

Annual run-off at the mouth.

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

Anderson Cooper as a Kid. Today, an expose that asks the question: Who IS Simon, and why must we do what he says?

'Too pricey? Perhaps you wish to see something in macaroni and spray paint?'

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

Crow and fox

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

'My dentist recommended it.'

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

Jokes machine.

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

The Algonquin Round Table

"I always know what Harry's going to say, and he always knows what I'm going to say, so, by and large, we just don't bother."

"Tell her I'm exercising my twenty-first amendment rights."

'The bar association barred me from going before the bar...So I came to a bar.'

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

"So, what is your star sign?"

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

Bat out of Hell

"This conversation is being performed in front of a live audience."

"Have you ever licked cream off a woman's body?"

Quizzo tonight! Win a tee shirt! Trivia is my middle name, but I have all the tee shirts I need. So, tell me something: Are there Quizzo groupies?

Mom's Mortuary

"Try the fish. It's brain food"

'My favorite position? Chairperson of the Board.'

"I don't think you can claim that Martin Amis plaguerised your work just because you both used the words 'to','if' and 'but' on page 46."

Plug: ' OHHH, Baby Baby.'

I don't get why ladies find you so charming, and me so boring. Simple projection. Believe she finds you charming because you're wittier and more mysterious than she is. She'll sense you're a challenge. Suddenly she'll make anything you say conform to that assumption. So I just Jedi mind-trick them? Maybe not ANYthing.