Chatty Humorist Pillows

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

Moses on the web

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

Crow and fox

This year Mike decides to make his own Valentine's cards.

Daffodil bulbs

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

Jokes machine.

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

Give way - 'Oh, alright then...'

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

'Do you come here often?'

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

The Algonquin Round Table

Bat out of Hell

'The bar association barred me from going before the bar...So I came to a bar.'

"So, what is your star sign?"

'Vacuums!'

"Tell her I'm exercising my twenty-first amendment rights."

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

"Listen, the first pterodactyl of spring."

Surreal Ale Pub.

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

A guy tries his luck at the water cooler.

"You have a lot of unresolved anger and it's settled in your hat."