Conversation Humorist Pillows

"Look, I'm trying to say something here, can you stop butting in?"

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'We like your style, but hate your substance.'

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

'I'll be a responsible and mature asset to the company, as proven by the lack of asinine photos of me on Facebook.'

'I don't think of my skin as saggy...I think of it as relaxed-fit!'

Experience is important, so I'm inclined to leave questions of ethics to those who have them.

'May I suggest a pleasant viognier to put the subtext into gear?'

'Being an opera buff, I naturally assumed she said "I'm taking you to the met"!'

The Nanuit Have 2,027 Words For Snow, But, After Awhile, They Just Talk About Something Else...

"I have to be honest: the job you're applying for is a real no-brainer. Are you sure you're OK with that?"

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

"Any other skills?"

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

"...and another thing...stop referring to me as user-friendly"

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

"Of course there is still a lot of stigma attached to being undead, I hardly ever get past the interview stage."

"Grandpa can't hear you. Turn on your caps lock."

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'You would too, if they sold your desk and changed all the locks!'

"I don't look at it as bouncing from job to job, I'm merely gaining a broad base of experience."

"I'm using my married name right now, but I'm keeping my maiden name on ice, just in case."

'I'm afraid there's be a resume mix up. We meant to call Grim C Reaper.'

"All the good ones are neutered."

'Another failure to communicate?'

'Your resume says that you were self employed and then you were fired?'

Bar bouncer resumes.

'It's in my resume. I don't do computer windows.'

Parking validation

"Now tell me, what do you think you would bring to our company?"

'This is the worst CV I've ever seen!'

"I think that one of my best qualities is my imagination, evidence of which you can interpret from my list of qualifications on pages 3, 4, 6 and eight."

Two phones talking to one another.