Charmingly Sarcastic Pillows

'I believe in kizmet and it is our destiny to be friends for life.'

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

Exciting potato bugs.

Redhead

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'He lost his whistle,'

Leaders must focus on strategic planning and desired results."

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

"We understand each other and respect each other's privacy." "That cat hates me."

Welcome to Yosemite, Hell on Earth!

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"No one is denying that you're smart. For that to happen someone would have to say you're smart."

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say we're pursuing bankruptcy. It's more like bankruptcy is pursuing us."

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"Your offer to compromise has been rejected and your dog has been cast out."

Joe's Vet and Taxidermy

Chinese Cuisine. I think that hedge fund manager misplaced his after-meal cookie. That would be the second fortune he lost.

Duh Magazine

'I'm sorely tempted to give him a piece of my mind, but I suspect he's the one tempting me.'

"I agree, Maria, it does seem like one big romantic TV Christmas movie. But, unfortunately, this is where I must kill you."

''If you were a horse we'd have shot you and sold you to a dog food factory, then at least we'd have made some money from you.' Hm, is that a good or a bad employers' reference?'

"I'm legally obliged to point out that we track what you eat by placing cookies in your food."

Cynical married man speaking to his newly engaged friend

"Wow, chocolates. How original..."

So Long, Farewell, Thank God, Good Riddance.

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

'Try recording it again but this time, don't laugh when you say, 'Your call is important to us'.'

"He's not an acquired taste. He's a rinse and spit."