Charmingly Sarcastic Gifts

'I believe in kizmet and it is our destiny to be friends for life.'

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

Redhead

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

Leaders must focus on strategic planning and desired results."

'He lost his whistle,'

"We understand each other and respect each other's privacy." "That cat hates me."

Welcome to Yosemite, Hell on Earth!

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"No one is denying that you're smart. For that to happen someone would have to say you're smart."

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say we're pursuing bankruptcy. It's more like bankruptcy is pursuing us."

"Your offer to compromise has been rejected and your dog has been cast out."

Joe's Vet and Taxidermy

Duh Magazine

"I agree, Maria, it does seem like one big romantic TV Christmas movie. But, unfortunately, this is where I must kill you."

"I'm legally obliged to point out that we track what you eat by placing cookies in your food."

'I'm sorely tempted to give him a piece of my mind, but I suspect he's the one tempting me.'

Cynical married man speaking to his newly engaged friend

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

"Wow, chocolates. How original..."

So Long, Farewell, Thank God, Good Riddance.

''If you were a horse we'd have shot you and sold you to a dog food factory, then at least we'd have made some money from you.' Hm, is that a good or a bad employers' reference?'

'Try recording it again but this time, don't laugh when you say, 'Your call is important to us'.'

"What gives a miserable piece of lowlife trash the idea that no one likes him?"

"He's not an acquired taste. He's a rinse and spit."