Thrives On Sarcasm Pillows

'And these promises I solemnly vow to deliver to the public - oh, excuse me - my pants appear to be on fire.'

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

The Snarky District

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"I love these old decorations!"