Thrives On Sarcasm Pillows

'And these promises I solemnly vow to deliver to the public - oh, excuse me - my pants appear to be on fire.'

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

The Snarky District

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"I love these old decorations!"

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"