Chaotic Comedian Gifts

'I said - it's his punishment for mindless violence and disturbing the peace.'

'George! This way quick!'

'I said just blow the bloody doors off.'

'Stuff falling out of the closet, old pizza turning green, dust bunnies blowing around...my room isn't messy, mom, it's interactive!'

"I just hope the world doesn't end before people can see our outfits."

Excess Baggage: In the old days folks called 2 weeks with 4 kids in a non-air conditioned car a vacation.

"The mad king ruled by chaos and corruption. He pitted everyone against each other, and they all lived divisively ever after. The end."

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

I came in early to seize the day...but it seized me first.

World-Wide Bank: Economic crisis lands in the in-tray.

When Fred's super deluxe leaf blower blew up yet again, he wondered where global deforestation is when you want it,

Fred's not sure who to call first: 911 or the plumber he should have called in the first place.

"Actually, this is where there was a slight earth tremor."

"Someone has stolen my identity crisis."

Gentleman, things are worse than we thought.

"And I suppose cleaning up after yourself just once would in some way stifle your precious creativity."

"John, does this mean you've given up looking for work?"

'Sunday in the park'

"Walter had an attack of road rage in the driveway."

'Just hold on! Screaming never solved anything.'

"Did someone just shout 'sinkhole!!!'?"

"Hold on, I'll make that coffee to go!"

"We'll have to pick this up later. My plane just went down, sharks ate my personal assistant, and apparently I'm winning some kind of surfing competition."

In case of fake news about a phony emergency ring false alarm.

How will this impact me?

The insurance giants do battle, ironically costing their own companies billions of dollars in claims,

Jetsgo out of business.

"That's a relief - I thought you said crisis meeting..."

Mime in an Emergency Ward at Hospital

"I'll call you back. I'm in a meeting."

Over. Under. Sideways. Kid.

"I always put things off until the last minute."

"Listen up - today is the first day in the rest of the coronavirus crisis!"

2020 Panic Room

'Careful - that new bed is a little touchy.'