Change Skeptic Gifts

"I never thought I'd see the day, they're taking our suggestions seriously at last!"

"Some people are reluctant to accept change."

A Sweeping Reform.

'You either bank electronically, Mr Yomp, or you don't bank at all!'

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

Alternative Medicine

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"If we evolved from stupid people, why are there stupid people still around?"

'Einstein's theory of negativity'

Cupid misses his shot.

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

'I have trouble believing in global warming when it's so cold that my nipples and p***s are the same size.'

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

"I think I might go outside. My fresh air app is glitchy today."

Progress?

"Sure, it's 'beautiful,' Ray, but where are the outlet stores?!"

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

Coincidence or What?

"I'm starting to prefer the ones who don't believe in me."

'Are you ready to get hurt again?'

"What I like about intelligent design is that it explains everything will proving nothing."

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

Weight Gain Denial

"It's from a girl in my class. Should I be thinking about a prenup?"

Yes, but.

"If only I liked you a little more and you liked like me a little less."

"I tolerate you too. With all my heart."

Two plus two equals five. I don't think so. The earth is flat, or maybe it's shaped like a fish. Huh? Many Republican candidates don't believe in evolution!!! Math, science -- who needs 'em really. That's what I said in high school.

"If they de-regulate this place, we wouldn't have to do all those boring scientific tests."

'I was born with math immunity, so I'm special. I know that.'

'You remind me of my ex-ex-ex.'