Update Skeptic Gifts

"Here's a great software update. It lets me delete all the features that I didn't want from the last update."

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

"The news is so fake, the ads are beginning to look honest."

'If I've learned anything, it's believe half of what's in the newspapers, and even less of what's in your e-mail.'

"Our intelligencia said we will be outnumbered 100 to one, but that we can hope it's only fake news."

"He really hates all the fake news!!"

Fake News - Tabloid News - State-run News - Free Press

"If the headline screams catastrophe, but nobody cares to read it, does it still make a sound?"

"Social service teams are claiming that they can't recruit workers because of the vicious, biased reports we write about them!"

Incredible

Russian war crimes

"Since I no longer trust the media. I get all my news from hysterical people on the street."

'It says here that most people believe what they read in the papers.'

"I've been expecting this...FAKE WEATHER!"

"I'm actually looking forward to age-related hearing loss."

'Okay, now I'm hoping he's right...'

'I'm too busy installing updates to figure out any practical application for them.'

'Are you sure it's necessary to sign this part declaring 'all information is true and correct to the best of my knowledge'?.'

'Magazine, yes. Book, maybe. Musical dance - never in a million!'

'The market fell today because it needed to fail before it could succeed.'

The Good News, the Media Nothwithstanding

I Can't Believe It's Not Fake News

Turn on the news. I will not comply. My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story. There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on Rocky Road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills. Who told you this? Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy.

Rudy, be reasonable. We can't have a functioning media if everyone starts putting up their own stories on the web. We need professional ethics. We need editing. We need fact-checking. We need

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"Bark bark bark woof yap!" It might be good, but I'm just not in the mood for subtitles.

Akron, oh, you're on Ask Sadie. What's your problem?! I'm thinking of not signing up for health insurance this year. Good idea. In my day, there was no such thing as health insurance. If you got sick, you paid for it with either money or chickens. That's if you were a lily-livered coward who just had to see a doctor. When great-great-grandmother Cohen had her sixth heart attack, she just applied a poultice made of chestnut leaves and flour and kept on plowing.

Boss: 'Speak up Smythe, I know you've got an opinion, I told you what it was in my email this morning!'

The first meeting.

"Hi, this is Bill Gates. Time to buy some new software."

"Elvis battles Alien, Britney weds Satan. Man, who reads this garbage?"

Uncle Sam inside a Ukrainian brain.

They all have to get down the slide in 2.7 seconds or we lose our funding. In schools soon: The recess aptitude test.

'WARNING!!! Watching today's news may cause hallucinations and the distorting of the truth.'

"Listen to this Mr Doom 'n' gloom! The recession's over!"