Cemetery Critic Gifts

''Larry this' and 'Larry that'. . . And no one has anything nice to say about the hole.'

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

"It had to go - there were historical links with slavery."

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

Pop up begger.

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"

'That was so funny. I haven't booed that loudly in years.'

'I'm the one who sold King Tut his tomb. The commission was huge.'

'He's supposed to be the world's oldest turtle!'

"Excuse me - could you tell me which recession we are in at the moment?"

"That was a boring field trip."

London Congestion & Polution Zone - 'What's your problem? I thought Boris was in charge now.'

"Mom, Dad – I’d like you to meet Edna."

'It just seem excessive, somehow -- buying a big-screen, high-definition TV to watch Geraldo with.'

Too Much SOY

"I'm sorry, Frank. I know it's more environmentally friendly but your new campfire program really doesn't provide the right atmopshere."

Safety Pin

Robot Bores

"My wife thinks I'm out looking for a job..."

"You in there! This is the Microsoft Police. Throw out your books and come out with your hands up."

Two women are hosting a radio show called Ask Sadie.

"We've got kind of a noir thing happening here, Manny. The girlie cigarette doesn't exactly add."

"But we make a killing on auto repairs...if we encourage people to fix things themselves first."

"I feel like we're drifting apart."

"Hang on, Mother. The paramedics are on the way. I'll be right back—just going to check the score of the Blackhawks game."

"This is not the sleeping beauty I paid good money to see!"

End of the Pier Show

'Aside from the cockroach, how was everything?'