Celebrity Fangirl Gifts

Steven Van Zandt

'Hi, my name is Bruce Wayne, but not THE Bruce Wayne!'

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

'Don't ask questions, Ralph, just tell me who you'd rather look like - Sean Connery or Robert Redford.'

JET (Part I)

Maps to the homes of guys with friends who know some of the limo drivers of the personal trainers of the stars.

'It's one of the candidates for baptism. Wants to know if he can hold the hand that shook Elvis's hand above the water.'

People leave joke shop with false moustache, nose and glasses marketed as 'the Robert Winston'.

Dr. Kapuchnik, I notice that you've been quoting Dr. Phil a lot lately. That's because I'm hoping that if he sees me sucking up to him in the comics, he'll bankroll the TV-show proposal I sent to his production company, Gasbag Enterprises.

Hollywood or bust!

"How is it that Mick Jagger still has the energy to be Mick Jagger, but you're exhausted just from being you?"

"Dad, has there EVER been a time when James Corden was funny..?"

"An appointment? Let's see... She could fit you in before breakfast TV, or after lunch on Radio Two, or between Radio Four afternoon and the Drive Home SHow..."

Say what? Johnnie Cochran died in 2005?

Gossip columns: 'And rumour has it that singer, Kelli B is said to be in shock after finding out longtime boyfriend, actor Todd Korfull, has been having an affair with, now get this, KELLI'S agent!! YEEOUCH!...' A column talking

Emily Ratajkowski

Good Morning Britain

'Reports of my abstinence have been slightly exaggerated. . . I read somewhere that smoking and drinking are bad for you. . . so I gave up reading.'

Dua Lipa caricature

Inventor of wheel and discoverer of fire seen on date! More (arrow). The first tabloid.

Rachel Anne McAdams caricature

"Come on now answer the question, I want something that can be taken out of context and make the show go viral on twitter."

'Oh no! Political memoirs!'

"Kanye's changing his name. I'm thinking he should go by Cra Z."

Elton John

Principal about Justin Bieber Junior High school: 'I was against letting the students name the school.'

'Yes, the walls ARE thin, but you'll be happy to know a world-famous rapper lives in the next unit.'

David Letterman

Madonna

Plankton impersonator gets stuck in a whale.

'Really? -- I'd always assumed that Elton John was one of us.'

". . . But, hey, man, I just want to say this in all sincerity, man, that you are the greatest, man, you the el numero uno cat in my book, man you. . ."

Emma Thompson

Dog Formerly Known as Prince

'If I never get my 15 minutes of fame, I at least want a giant cutout face of myself.'