Celebrity Fan Club Member Gifts

'I hate idol gossip.'

'Hi, my name is Bruce Wayne, but not THE Bruce Wayne!'

'Let me guess...you're a knights supporter?'

'Don't ask questions, Ralph, just tell me who you'd rather look like - Sean Connery or Robert Redford.'

'It's one of the candidates for baptism. Wants to know if he can hold the hand that shook Elvis's hand above the water.'

"An appointment? Let's see... She could fit you in before breakfast TV, or after lunch on Radio Two, or between Radio Four afternoon and the Drive Home SHow..."

Cow in a vest: Well, I think I look like Bruce Willis!

"How is it that Mick Jagger still has the energy to be Mick Jagger, but you're exhausted just from being you?"

Hollywood or bust!

"We interrupt this program to bring you a special message from your teachers..."

Elton John

Dua Lipa caricature

"Kanye's changing his name. I'm thinking he should go by Cra Z."

Principal about Justin Bieber Junior High school: 'I was against letting the students name the school.'

Rachel Anne McAdams caricature

Captain Pointy No.38 - Fan club meeting a trap

'Yes, the walls ARE thin, but you'll be happy to know a world-famous rapper lives in the next unit.'

David Letterman

Madonna

Plankton impersonator gets stuck in a whale.

'Really? -- I'd always assumed that Elton John was one of us.'

". . . But, hey, man, I just want to say this in all sincerity, man, that you are the greatest, man, you the el numero uno cat in my book, man you. . ."

Dog Formerly Known as Prince

'Larry, did you feel THAT? Your career just peaked! And on MY show! Isn't that fantastic?'

Vannamania

"I think I'd rather wait till Benedict Cumberbatch does the audiobook."

Amy Schumer

Stephen Fry

Elvis fans

"As one of the best forwarders in the world you can sign any advertising contract you want, but..."

Antonio Banderas

"I pick up most of my wisdom from celebrity interviews.'

Mathew Maconaughy

Ray Davies

'Aren't they wonderful? And your wife's already named them John and Edward.'