Celebrity Dater Pillows

'A date with Angelina Jolie?-- Do I look like a pimp or something?'

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

On my list of outdoor pursuits I put skinny dipping way ahead of this.

'Of course I'm on the pull - I'm a cricketer.'

I really think I can handle this date on my own. Lemme ask you something. Would you trust me alone with a ybot 340? An Xbox 360? They changed the name? Okay. But you cannot hit on my date. I'm only here to help.

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

'I'm sorry, Jason. I don't date anyone new until I've googled them.'

Waterfall of Disappointment

"I thought you did a great job with your gender neutral statements ... There will be a second date."

"She says you sound like 'fun'!"

"This isn't working. We have nothing in common."

'You forgot your glasses again, didn't you?'

Man visits palm reader with 'Doing Anything Tonight?' written on his hands.

"I forgot my wallet. Do you know 'Folsom Prison Blues'?"

"I'm not very good at sex, but what do you say to eight hours uproarious sleep?"

'Let's do lunch.'

"You need a mint."

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

"Wanna do lunch?"

'She won't even look at me. It's like I'm a banner ad.'

'Romance-minded clown in hot pursuit of woman'

'Hey babe, I got two tickets to the gun show, you interested?'

"I like anything but long walks on the beach."

"I refuse to squabble in public until we're legally married."

"Nothing - he's ghosting you."

I'm looking at photos of potential dates here. Your "screening" process.

'I didn't know people still played footsie.'

Here's one for you... she likes long lurches in the moonlight, scared of fire... enjoys terrorizing villages...

'Single Heating and Cooling technician in search of intelligent, attractive woman. Send picture of your furnace & AC.'

"I'm a fancier of dogs and interesting men."

"It's over between us Brian. . . as soon as I've announced it on twitter."

"I'm so shallow."

'You must be Olivia.'

"I'll wait, my wife's in the loo."

I'm thinking that for our first date, we should go to the "please touch" museum