Celebrity Chef Stalker Pillows

'Celeb Foods: Damien Hurst's voles in brine.'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

Halloween may be a little different this year.

'I hope you like this, dear. I got the recipe from Gordon Ramses, latest cookery hieroglyphics.'

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

'See? You call my look 'a midlife crisis' but for these guys it's a major TV series.'

'My husband made my cake from scratch...even the candles.'

"The chef ran out of the shiitake-infused sweet potato au gratin, so he substituted hash browns."

"If Sinatra had eaten here he'd have loved it."

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

How I met your mother

"I couldn't have made my family recipe raisin date nut cake with it's secret ingredient without Jimmy's help."

TV Chef Cooking Range

"Well, he's a celebrity chef and the celebreties love his cooking."

Skyscraper Chef's Hat.

The Good Feud Guide - 'Delia Smith does a nice roasted Worrall-Thompson.'

"More helium."

Chef's Specials - Hissy Fits, Shouting and Swearing, Pompus Indigestion.

Woman reads Nigella Lawson cook book: 'Add butter to the mixture, remembering to moisten your lips ... whisk for three to four minutes, pouting throughout ...'

"Here's the pub-grub you ordered"

Cooking without Jamie Oliver

'Thank you for the turkey, thank you for the dressing, and thank you for the squash, which Mother cleverly refers to as pumpkin pie.'

"When Picasso was hungry he would swap a painting for a meal. Times change. I am a celebrity chef..."

"Be right with you - just need to call for a tow truck and change today's 'Catch of the Day' to venison."

Emeril John Lagassé III caricature

'Nobody does curses like Gordon Ramsay.'

Mock Apple Pie Recipe

Emeril Lagasse

'Madam, we do not discuss Julia Child at Maison Henri.'

"Do you like eye of newt in your Mac 'n' Cheese?"

'And stir to a smooth consistency.'

'Sorry, viewers, I was going to show you one I made earlier but it's been scoffed by the second assistant sound engineer.'

'By the time I'd watched Delia and Ainsley and Jamie Oliver and Floyd...I'd spoiled the broth.'

Schoolgirl in canteen: 'The food's great but I wish they'd stop calling it 'pukka tukka'.'

"@#!!!%$ the critics!! Give me Bobby $#@!! Flay!!"