Cautious Diner Gifts

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"What'll it be - one large risk or several small ones?"

'When it comes to our Boef flambe safety is paramount.'

"Young man, the world is your oyster, but for God�s sake avoid peanuts, soy, milk, eggs, wheat, fish, tree nuts, and chocolate."

"Waiter... This roast chicken. Can I see it's death certificate please?"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

Eat Locally - All Roadkill From 8-Mile Radius

"You might say I'm middle-of-the-road. I'd buy a fur coat but I wouldn't buy a Japanese fur coat."

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

We've been dating for about 30 minutes, so things are still going well. Please send over the waiter immediately, before everything goes down the toilet. Menu.

"You can come in. But don't try anything funny."

I recommend the ketchup.

At Travel Agent - "We're interested in a no-diarrhea itinery."

'You don't need a menu here, mate. If you can't see it on my apron, we don't sell it.'

Today's special: Roadkill stew.

Customer admires courtyard of bagel shaped restaurant.

'Mutter mutter...I was talking to my broccoli.'

"Okay, guys. Don't open your chutes till I give the word."

'Hmmm, this is too good to be true: I can smell a rat...'

Height barrier accident.

'Troubled about eating meat? Ethicist on the premises.'

'It's half as good as our $10 special.'

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten out genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

"Yep - peanut-free, Ebola-free, gluten-free. That'll be $74."

'Mom says if you're going to buy anything online,I'm supposed to make sure it's a secure site.'

Drink Driving

Bacon Bits

'Better slow it down a bit.'

'I think I'll just leave a hate tip,'

"We'd prefer the sort of place where we won't catch any disfiguring diseases or be killed by fanatics."

"I think this may be an appropriate moment to say a few words in memory of the animals we've slaughtered for our pleasure."

"I'm running late—some people were waiting for my table so I had to take my sweet time."

'I don't know Arthur, I've heard the service is terrible here.'