Catering Comedian Gifts

'Well, she ate the apple -- I SAID you should have the whole thing catered.'

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

'Your French dip, sir.'

"States of tofu"

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Chez Nous Menu

Soup of the month.

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"That's it. We’re toast."

6 Brothers Falafel

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

Peter's Pitas - now with pickled peppers.

Night of the Latkes

'Like death by salad.'

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"Would you like some wings?"

Wok. Don't Wok.

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Cookbooks

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'