Casual Host Pillows

"I still haven't cleaned up from the party."

Please Leave by 9

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

'She'll never look for me here.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

Infinity Tavern

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

Shopper in grocery store sees TV dinners marked daytime and prime time.

"I said, 'I'm not on duty! I just came back to get my flip-flops.'"

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

"That's where the tenured faculty members hang out."

"Yoga has helped me appreciate the healing power of donuts."

"Sorry, boss, I do care if I ever get back — that was just the peanuts and Cracker Jack talking."

Fini. That show was schmaltzy, way too sentimental. I'll never criticize anything that can be described as "cheesy"!

"I've got a very responsible job. If anything goes wrong, I'm responsible."

'This one is for not intervening in countries that don't threaten us.'

"Don't worry. These rosés are still fresh."

'I couldn't figure out how to get rid of those stupid subtitles, so I slapped some duct tape over them.'

'There's nothing worth watching on TV, but he's not going to let a little thing like that stop him.'

The Awkwardly Informal Meet Up Group

"Sir, you said that it's high time to fix the problem, so I rearranged the furniture, watered the flowers and made fresh coffee. If that wasn't enough then maybe we should find some problems that fit our solutions."

Man with t-shirt 'I *spade* my dog'.

Private thoughts of a television. I'd love the chance to ad lib just once!

'Take it for stress. It helps to laugh at yourself.'

'Yes of course he can borrow my lawn mower just as long as he only uses it in my garden...'

'Was it your idea to have it catered?'

Land on it ... Land on it ...

"This was the best school day of the week!"

'Who wants to play celebrity rant?'

"Oh, sure, I remember him. He was quiet, mostly kept to himself, paid the rent on time. You know, we were only married for sixteen years."