Carpool Cynic Gifts

"This is an insult to everyone who carpools."

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Obama builds own gallows.

Bush vs. America

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

'You'll have to excuse my husband - he's got compassion fatigue.'

'Nope. He doesn't qualify you for the carpool lane.'

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

Sucking Up to Gen X

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

"You can't put a price on all those years of marriage." "Au contraire!"

Mail & Political lies.

"Harrharrharr! I love cheap girls who are willing to show me their juicy tax loopholes!!"

"I'm sorry to say your husband took so many antioxidants, he suffocated."

"Did he give it all to the poor, or just the after salary and expenses part?"

"I want a campaign that shows the brand's empathetic, inclusive and caring side - or you're all fired."

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."

'Remind me, what should I be thanking my lucky stars for?'

'Help me, Helen! I'm feeling a momentary lapse of cynicism!'

"Ms. Jones, find out what my favorite charity is and let me know please."

'It's a fund-raising dinner for the needy ... but hopefully none of them will be there.'

"Did Robin Hood give to the poor only for the deduction?"

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?" "I met a lady a while back." "We're both stuck in marriages we don't want to be in. We'd rather be together but we don't have the courage to end things." "What do you mean 'courage?' Ending things isn't 'courageous,' it's cowardly." "Courage means not running from misery, but embracing it, becoming its master, and delivering it upon all those around you with a vengeance."

"No comment for now, but there'll be a press leak at five."