Carpool Cynic Pillows

"This is an insult to everyone who carpools."

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Obama builds own gallows.

'You'll have to excuse my husband - he's got compassion fatigue.'

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

'Nope. He doesn't qualify you for the carpool lane.'

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

"Did he give it all to the poor, or just the after salary and expenses part?"

"You can't put a price on all those years of marriage." "Au contraire!"

Mail & Political lies.

"Harrharrharr! I love cheap girls who are willing to show me their juicy tax loopholes!!"

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."

"I'm sorry to say your husband took so many antioxidants, he suffocated."

'It's a fund-raising dinner for the needy ... but hopefully none of them will be there.'

"Ms. Jones, find out what my favorite charity is and let me know please."

'Help me, Helen! I'm feeling a momentary lapse of cynicism!'

'Remind me, what should I be thanking my lucky stars for?'

"Did Robin Hood give to the poor only for the deduction?"

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?" "I met a lady a while back." "We're both stuck in marriages we don't want to be in. We'd rather be together but we don't have the courage to end things." "What do you mean 'courage?' Ending things isn't 'courageous,' it's cowardly." "Courage means not running from misery, but embracing it, becoming its master, and delivering it upon all those around you with a vengeance."

"No comment for now, but there'll be a press leak at five."

'They all work from home now, but still get together for carpool reunions.'