Career Transformation Fan Gifts

"He used to be a dancer."

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

'Believe me, I know transformation isn't easy. I pulled a muscle once.'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"I've given up on the novel. There's more money in writing inspirational memes."

"My wife has always encouraged me... ...to quit this stupid dream and get a real job." ... "You have a wife?"

'Hunting and gathering doesn't sound very interesting, so I have decided to become a consultant.'

"I'm interested in working with animals and deliveries."

Planned service changes

I'm stepping out to look for a better job...

"Screw this—I'm going to work for the tabloids."

"I was doing well in school and planning to be a computer programmer - but somewhere along the way I must have taken a wrong turn."

"Class, this is Mr. Elzondo. He's going to talk about going to college."

'Right, I hope that gives you an idea of what the work is about, any questions?'

"Originally I wanted to be a stockbroker but found I fainted at the sight of money.''

"You're kidding! I used to be an economist myself!"

Laid off from a dot-com? Ask about our resume-writing software.

'And your class story is an old, old one. In the middle of successful soul-snatching careers you were suddenly bitten by the lawyering bug...'

"I've been promoted from barbarian pillager to management. Do you know how to tie a neck tie?"

'We need someone bright, someone quick to take notice.'

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

"I can see from your résumé that you're a man."

Career advice from the boss

"I'm trying to find a way to balance your strengths against your felonies."

'When are you going to give up this 9 to 5 nonsense and become a rock star like your brother?'

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"I'm from the Duvall Executive Search Agency, and I leave no stone unturned."

"Sure, you could make a good living in private industry, but believe me, you wouldn't be running any kingdoms."

"You're going out there an annoying, mannered girl, but you're going to come back an indie queen."

"As a cub I got fed up with circus life, so I took a job in the mail room."

"I'm a retired doctor."

"I've applied the Paper Reduction Act to my resume."

The evangelist turned lawyer's opening arguments were unconvincing