Career Counselor Humor Gifts

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

'Oh for heaven's sake, you're a cow. Just eat grass and be happy.'

You were warned about mixed marriages.

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

"So, Mr Canary, I see you have experience as a mine safety specialist..."

Career Analyst "Well I've looked at your file and yes, your job is rubbish"

"Actually, I worked my way up from 'ideas'."

"It's my conscience... It's all achy"

'This patch is to quit smoking...this patch is to quit drinking...this patch is to quit drugs...this patch is to quit coffee...and this patch is to quit having any kind of fun whatsover!'

'Don't be alarmed - I'm a proctologist.'

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

'I'm afraid I can't do business with you, Miss Carstairs -- you're just too damned cute.'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"Wow . . . We could really fill this room with uncomfortable silences."

'Right. Like I'd tell YOU.'

'How was my evaluation They really cut me down to size.'

"Besides, 'Not working for this crappy company,' where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

'... And, don't worry about his future. I'm sure my Son will give him a job, when they grow up.'

"I used to be a political lobbyist, then along came this chance to be a slug."

'We don't bond any more.'

'As a consultant, my job is to speak to you as if I knew how your business worked.'

Early career fair

"I regret the day we bought a memory foam mattress."

Sharings,,,formerly complaints,

'We first met here - when I was doing your job.'

'You were on your fishing trip so long I met someone new and raised a family.'

"This better work out."

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

'Take my advice - if you get a tattoo, put it where it will not show on a job interview.'

'It's a grueling job that requires a strong commitment and personal sacrifice. Is your mother available?'

'You're radiating negative energy.'

'Can you do shorthand?' - 'I don't know, I've never tried.'

'Tell me more about your programmer.'

"I find it admirable that you're so honest about your flaws in your resume. This has just saved the both of us a lot of time."