Cardio Comic Gifts

"To maintain good cardiovascular health, you should aggravate the cat three to five times daily."

"I'm much better at exercising caution."

"We only got six days of funding."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

The only time cats are known to laugh.

"The inhabitants of Pluto today declared Earth not a planet..."

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

'You've had enough!'

Jim Carrey,

'Now that's what I call rejection.'

John Cleese.

'...but you can't keep imagining you're going downhill!'

"Heelllllooooooo, Roswell!!"

Spike Milligan

"We've discovered intelligent life in Outer Space, based on how geeky they look."

'Why are jogging on the spot?'

Clown riding unicycle exercise machine at health club.

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

'From creating stuff like this you make a LIVING?'

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

Woody Allen

"Any kids here tonight? Oh, wait... I guess not...since I didn't see any on the menu."

'What have I told you about laughing on purpose, Mother?'

"Look - the FIRST EVER picture of a black hole!! What do you think?"

"Nothing to worry about. A nuggetectomy is a very simple procedure."

All you can eat salad bar has lifetime price.

Alan Carr

Comedy course highlights fake nose

I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp. Really? Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that? They post "reviews" that don't have even a hint of negativity. Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: "House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate."

Stork doing weight training.

'Good to see you, Doc! I wonder if you could take a look at my left upper arm that hurts when I do this?'

We interrupt today's "The Price is Right" episode to bring you breaking news … Weeks ago, the Hubble telescope spotted a rogue planet the size of Venus plummeting through the solar system on a collision course with earth. It turns out it was actually just a prank involving two very bored ISS astronauts and a grapefruit. Breaking News!!!!! Maybe we should send them to Mars after all. One of them seems to have scrawled "Around and around and around and around" all over his space suit, in crayon.

Golf cart in the hospital.

"Obviously, if I have to explain the joke, it's not funny anymore..."