Carb Cutter Gifts

"One slice—hold the bread."

In the calorie family: 'You're home early?'....'Mrs. Harrison has started dieting again!'

'What happened mom? I thought you were on a low-carb diet?'

'That's why I put on weight! All I eat is carbs!'

The Atkins Diet.

"Oh, boy, hard-core sugar!"

'Doesn't it feel good to be taking care of our planet?'

'McWit, that's not what's meant by carbo loading.'

"Moreover, profits double if we move in with our parents."

'He's on a high carbohydrate diet,'

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

'I see you've managed to cut your coffee consumption in half.'

'I understand the concept, sir, but I think I'd do better if it were a donut.'

"Could you hold off clipping your coupons until I've finished reading the paper?"

Complex Carbs

"I can build it. My price is 300 oxen and a flock of sheep. A roof would be 250 sheep extra."

Complex Carbohydrates

'I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go...we've just sourced somebody in Mumbai who's 34% better at being you for 29% less!'

"I've decided to forgo expensive gifts with acts of apathy."

'It's so expensive because it doesn't do as much as other computers and it's harder to use.'

"We're cutting costs now, so get rid of the petting zoo."

'This cola only has half the calories, so if I only drink half that would be no calories!'

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

'Hello, yes, I'd like to order 200 packs of the sweets you can eat between meals.'

'Sir, our new automated telephone system saves us $20,000 annually, but our phone business has dropped 66%!'

"Cough cough"

"Armstrong, you're the cheapest cheapskate on earth." "Not yet, but a man can dream." "This toothache is killing me but I have no money and no insurance. Do you know where I can find a really cheap dentist?" "Of course. I can give you my guy's name. He works for peanuts." "I’ll get a pen." "You’ll also need a passport and lots of penicillin."

Crusty Bread

'Due to concerns about Global Warming...I'm through with cooking.'

"I didn't hire a photographer. I thought we'd save a few bob by just taking, wedding selfies."

"I have used this unexpected stay-at-home time to get really good at new skills."

'We'll have to be more aggressive with your diet. I'd like to try something I call 'The Carbivore''.

This Green and Pleasant Landfill.

"Actually, you're in excellent health. The only thing I recommend is that you cut back on carbs...and that means cutting back on your favorite dishes."