Carbon Cutter Gifts

'Due to concerns about Global Warming...I'm through with cooking.'

'Doesn't it feel good to be taking care of our planet?'

This Green and Pleasant Landfill.

"Somehow, they get exempted from a lot of laws."

'I told you I'd deal with your transfer request, Jenkins. Cut the deck!'

"Please buddy, can you spare a carbon credit?"

"Moreover, profits double if we move in with our parents."

Energy performance certificate nailed to wall exhausts employer.

"One slice—hold the bread."

'I see you've managed to cut your coffee consumption in half.'

'Just how much carbon are we supposed to offset?'

"Could you hold off clipping your coupons until I've finished reading the paper?"

'I wonder if everyone else is making as much effort as us to reduce global warming.'

"I can build it. My price is 300 oxen and a flock of sheep. A roof would be 250 sheep extra."

'It's so expensive because it doesn't do as much as other computers and it's harder to use.'

Hourglass earth - time running out

'I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go...we've just sourced somebody in Mumbai who's 34% better at being you for 29% less!'

'Happy birthday, dear -- it's a carbon offset!'

"Hurray! We've solved global warming!"

"We're cutting costs now, so get rid of the petting zoo."

Net Zero Superstitions

'This cola only has half the calories, so if I only drink half that would be no calories!'

Boxer's Hair Styles.

"I've decided to forgo expensive gifts with acts of apathy."

Climate Change Denier's Playbook

'Sir, our new automated telephone system saves us $20,000 annually, but our phone business has dropped 66%!'

"Cough cough"

Heathrow Protesters - This airport's rubbish!

"When they said they wanted to be saved, I assumed they were talking long term."

'What did I tell you about feeding your pet beaver table scraps?'

'I'm trying to transmute lead into a combustible fuel that will produce no smoke.' 'Turning it into gold will be easier.'

'It's difficult to get passioniate about things you can't pronounce.'

Nitrogen Emissions

Carbon capture and storage

"Armstrong, you're the cheapest cheapskate on earth." "Not yet, but a man can dream." "This toothache is killing me but I have no money and no insurance. Do you know where I can find a really cheap dentist?" "Of course. I can give you my guy's name. He works for peanuts." "I’ll get a pen." "You’ll also need a passport and lots of penicillin."