Calorie Control Gifts

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

'We must be 50,000 calories away from home by now.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Secretive Weigh In.

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

All Natural Nothing

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

7 brownies worth of exercise.

'For the first 500 calories of what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful.'

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

Dieting Motivation.

'Diet considerations.'

Sisyphus Sawyer

"I eat a totally plant-based diet and I still can't lose weight."

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

'Good. Then there's no reason to stay on this diet any longer.'

Extra Rich Cream Cakes

'This exotic dessert I make is guilt-free. I already burned all the calories running around finding the ingredients!'

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'Do we have any empty calories in this house!!'

Joe's Weight Gain: 'Hey, Victoria...I like this diet you told me about yesterday...I just lost 2 more while we've been talking.'

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

Dinosaurs ponder fad dieting prior to extinction.

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'