Calm Chasers Gifts

"We just want a vacation --- we don't want to learn anything."

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

Fight or Flight

'Now I know why the strategy guide warned against entering the 5th stage. Awesome!'

'I think I just had an epiphany. How do I make it go away?'

'Would you be interested in attending a stress management seminar?'

"I don't care what anybody says, coffee just tastes better in a tree stand. . ."

"If we'd gone South for the winter, we'd be back by now."

Introducing Ambient Books: No beginning...no middle...no end...just a bunch of sentences specially written to soothe and relax the reader.

When Buddha came to nirvana.

'He hasn't been the same since the Goodyear blimp sneaked up behind him.'

Bench clearing brawl, $5.

Anger Management: Breathe in and Breathe out.

"Has anyone seen my therapist?"

Man has a seatbelt and 'calm down tablets' to watch the world news.

'Wait til you see what fishing does for your nerves, Alice.'

"Actually we were hoping you'd be encouraging a more conciliatry approach to conflict management."

"Ah! I see you've found a cold beer to your liking, sir."

Muzak's Top 10

'So, your anger management class is working?'

Baldo's How to Be Uncool: No. 5. Forget how hot the coffee is while you're thinking how cool you look sitting in a coffee shop.

"It's probably just stress, but let's take a look. Open up and say, ARGGGH!!!"

"Well, sometimes I'll just hang around and do nothing. Oh wait, that's all the time."

'Why don't we slip into something a little more comfortable...like the leisure section.'

"Behold my perfect window of existence, when I'm neither trying to wake up nor falling asleep."

Sea of Tranquillity

'He's training for a career in law.'

"My neighborhood is getting too noisy. Traffic, screaming kids, barking dogs … I'm used to living in quiet desperation."

"No, there's nothing wrong at my job. That's what's got me worried."

"Hi! Are you enjoying the peace and quiet?!"

"Sit in the car. The doctor will be with you shortly to treat your road rage."

Hotel teddy for hire

'He's not hurt. He's just really, really cold.'

"Thanks to yoga, mom no long jumps to conclusions. She gently stretches."

"We find it calms the patient."