Calm Chasers T-Shirts

"We just want a vacation --- we don't want to learn anything."

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

Fight or Flight

'Now I know why the strategy guide warned against entering the 5th stage. Awesome!'

'I think I just had an epiphany. How do I make it go away?'

'Would you be interested in attending a stress management seminar?'

"I don't care what anybody says, coffee just tastes better in a tree stand. . ."

"If we'd gone South for the winter, we'd be back by now."

Bench clearing brawl, $5.

Introducing Ambient Books: No beginning...no middle...no end...just a bunch of sentences specially written to soothe and relax the reader.

When Buddha came to nirvana.

'He hasn't been the same since the Goodyear blimp sneaked up behind him.'

Anger Management: Breathe in and Breathe out.

'Wait til you see what fishing does for your nerves, Alice.'

"Has anyone seen my therapist?"

Man has a seatbelt and 'calm down tablets' to watch the world news.

"Actually we were hoping you'd be encouraging a more conciliatry approach to conflict management."

"Ah! I see you've found a cold beer to your liking, sir."

Muzak's Top 10

Baldo's How to Be Uncool: No. 5. Forget how hot the coffee is while you're thinking how cool you look sitting in a coffee shop.

'So, your anger management class is working?'

"It's probably just stress, but let's take a look. Open up and say, ARGGGH!!!"

"Well, sometimes I'll just hang around and do nothing. Oh wait, that's all the time."

Yep, you get to a certain age and you just want to fly south for the winter.

'Why don't we slip into something a little more comfortable...like the leisure section.'

"Behold my perfect window of existence, when I'm neither trying to wake up nor falling asleep."

Sea of Tranquillity

"My neighborhood is getting too noisy. Traffic, screaming kids, barking dogs … I'm used to living in quiet desperation."

'He's training for a career in law.'

"Sit in the car. The doctor will be with you shortly to treat your road rage."

Hotel teddy for hire

'He's not hurt. He's just really, really cold.'

"Hi! Are you enjoying the peace and quiet?!"

"No, there's nothing wrong at my job. That's what's got me worried."

"Thanks to yoga, mom no long jumps to conclusions. She gently stretches."