Calmness Chaser T-Shirts

"Picture yourself in a calm and serene oasis where you can't smell Bryce's feet."

'Wait til you see what fishing does for your nerves, Alice.'

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

Fight or Flight

'Now I know why the strategy guide warned against entering the 5th stage. Awesome!'

"Oh good, more time alone for quiet reflection."

"Well, at least we know she died peacefully."

'Would you be interested in attending a stress management seminar?'

"I don't care what anybody says, coffee just tastes better in a tree stand. . ."

Introducing Ambient Books: No beginning...no middle...no end...just a bunch of sentences specially written to soothe and relax the reader.

When Buddha came to nirvana.

Bench clearing brawl, $5.

'He hasn't been the same since the Goodyear blimp sneaked up behind him.'

"She's been in shavasana for - like - a really long time...."

Anger Management: Breathe in and Breathe out.

"Has anyone seen my therapist?"

"I'm the bluebird of low expectations."

Man has a seatbelt and 'calm down tablets' to watch the world news.

"Actually we were hoping you'd be encouraging a more conciliatry approach to conflict management."

'Please join me now in a group meditation.'

"You can tell us the sound of one hand clapping here, or you can tell us downtown."

Muzak's Top 10

"You don't get a lot of work done, Jenkins, but I admire how thoroughly unstressed you are."

Baldo's How to Be Uncool: No. 5. Forget how hot the coffee is while you're thinking how cool you look sitting in a coffee shop.

'Calm down darling... now what do you mean the tortoise has gone berserk?'

'So, your anger management class is working?'

"It's probably just stress, but let's take a look. Open up and say, ARGGGH!!!"

'I feel wired. I want to feel wireless.'

"I used to be a young crazy rebel like you you know."

"Behold my perfect window of existence, when I'm neither trying to wake up nor falling asleep."

Sea of Tranquillity

'Fred's a lot more relaxed since he began viewing life as just another spectator sport.'

"My neighborhood is getting too noisy. Traffic, screaming kids, barking dogs … I'm used to living in quiet desperation."

Calm in the Face of Chaos

"Is something bothering you?"