Caffeine-free Afficionado Gifts

'No thanks; can't handle caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or number six birdshot.'

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

Eternal Student.

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

Like, Latte. So that's a vanilla almond with soy, extra foam, whipped cream, nutmeg, and caramel. Leave room for coffee?

"I'll wait a moment for everyone's energy drink to kick in."

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

Back to work...

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

"Bad morning. I was running late and skipped my coffee, diet soda, energy drink and Ritalin."

"The more coffee I drink, the more these motivational posters make sense."

You've Had Enough!

Joe's Kaff for Dinners! And Afters Too!

"AHHHH, MORNING!"

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

"Two vegans, please."

"The bags under my eyes have combined to form some kind of face backpack."

Allegro con molto espresso

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

Office Supplies/Coffee Supplies.

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

'Would you all please congatulate...'

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

"I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it?"

Writers without borders.

Law School teacher.

'I see you're still trying to get the staff enthused over the weekly meetings.' (Meeting offers free coffee, free snacks, eye-popping charts, exciting videos and free idea pads).

Mea Maxima Cuppa

'What's holding him up?'

"The Wi-Fi password is publish 'publish or perish'."

"I've decided to make myself another cup of coffee!"

'Sleep deprivation's the least of my worries; I can't get these amortisation bluebells to frangipane...'