Cafeteria Owner Gifts

Hey boss, have you ever sued someone for slander or libel? Of course I have, minion. Many times. In fact, what day is it? Is it Tuesday? I usually reserve Tuesdays for suing people who leave bad Yelp reviews of my café. Or is it Wednesday? On Wednesdays, I like to stand on the corner and mutter "big toe" over and over again to crowds and then sue anyone who calls me "crazy". Or is today Thursday? I have a lawyer on retainer, and I like to get my money's worth. Plus, everyone needs a hobby. That'

"Are you sure there are no nuts in this muffin? I'm allergic."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

We need a new eco project. Ok. Let's get locally grown food into the school cafeteria. What's our strategy? We can start with the potatoes. I'll make the poster. We want home fries.

Nothing beats the love of a good cat.

'Do you have any catsup?'

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

School Cafeteria. It's the start of the school year. The Geometry teacher will come by to verify that we're serving truly square meals. The grammar teacher says the alphabet soup is runny and needs some punctuation added. History teachers keep a record of all the past meals and so will notice any leftovers being served. And the computer lab staff expressed concern about all the cookies so the astronomy teacher suggested switching to candy for dessert. I'll bet she thinks Starburst and Milk

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

Today's special... donuts.

"She'll have a semi-wizened, double ristretto with a dot of quail's milk - and please recite a poem while you make it."

"Those new coffee drones are really starting to get on my nerves."

Non-Power Breakfast

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

Raphnrrf? Raphnrrf? Umpha? Frfee? Maamr? Pick.

Cafe Burns.

Decapitated coffee.

'I don't think much to faith school dinners.'

"It's a pumpkin spice latte pie latte."

National Coffee Day

Minion, I've noticed several of the patrons are working on their laptops, tablets and phones. Yeah, that's what people do in cafes, boss. Are you aware, minion, that states and municipalities regularly tax people who conduct business within their borders? I don't see why the state should have a monopoly on taxation. Do you, minion? Inform the patrons they've missed the cafe's April 15th filing deadline, so there will be penalties. If the government can be "We the People," Armstrong Maynard can b

Coffee

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

"We're going to have to think outside the box to boost sales, minion."

Tree Cafe; Free Valet Parking

Ye Old Cafe: No Coffee Today - Sore Arm!

Choice hellhole

'Our special of the day is spam sandwiches.'

"The WiFi password is: 'buysomethingorgetout'."

Really? You're hiring me back to replace the robot you just replaced me with? I've had a change of heart, minion. It may be cheaper to automate my café. But it dawned on me that robots don't buy very many drinks. Plus, as much as I try to let the bottom line guide me, I am, deep down, a very compassionate man. I couldn't bear the thought of you being poor and miserable. Maybe he's not such a bad man. Plus, one accidental incineration of a customer and the authorities get all weird about it.

'Thanks for coming out with me. I really needed a caffeine fix.'

Kitty's Coffee Shop

"Boss, remember when you told me to start charging Sadie 'studio fees' for operating her radio show in the cafe?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news." "What's the good?" "She's agreed not to resort to violence." "I see. And the bad news?" "On today's 'Sadie Cohen Radio Show': Evil cafe owners who may or may not poison their customers."