Cafe Owners Gifts

Some airlines are charging for coffee and water. Brilliant efficiency, but also a threat. To us? We're a caf

You've renamed your small coffee? It's called a big now. That's absurd! It's the same size - the smallest size! It's marketing hooey! Why not call this napkin a scone?! Careful. Huh? Brilliant! Sale on scones! Oh dear.

Cloud Cuckoo Land, Hamburger bar, "I don't like the look of this Charlie"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

"Finches, don't look now, but there's a creepy guy staring at our beaks."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

Nothing beats the love of a good cat.

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

Fast food. Even faster food

'Do you have any catsup?'

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

'Don't order the Super Duper Jumbo Special.'

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

"Something romantic, perhaps?"

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

Today's special... donuts.

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

Try to guess the continent dining...

'Mom's Diner, Turkey Sandwich Special, $2.00.'

"She'll have a semi-wizened, double ristretto with a dot of quail's milk - and please recite a poem while you make it."

Bar snacks served in bird-feeders.

Hashimoto's Restaurant - Sushi Like Mother Used to Make!

"Pizza sounds wonderful. Italian, Greek or Hipster?"

"I understand this diner has quite a reputation."

"This is our soft opening."

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

"Those new coffee drones are really starting to get on my nerves."

Desert $2.75. See? -- It wasn't a typo.

Kitchen Kapers