Restaurant Owners Gifts

"Everywhere you look, there's a rate hike."

'The pigeon is a little undercooked I think!'

'Get over it. Not all restaurants offer toy prizes.'

Too rare perhaps?

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'I'm sorry he's your cousin. Could we get a little tartar sauce with the fish?'

'No, the fish isn't battered - the cook just roughs it up a bit!'

Kids eat free

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

Cloud Cuckoo Land, Hamburger bar, "I don't like the look of this Charlie"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

'Men are like fragments of soap... they get together in bars!'

Sale on the same stuff as last week.

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

Party of two? No, it was quite a large party.

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

Fast food. Even faster food

Cut Price

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

'Do you have any catsup?'

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'