Cafeteria Adventurer Gifts

High school sophomore Kyle Rimnard tests his theory that cafeteria meatloaf cures acne.

"I didn't realize there was so many different kinds of vegetables!"

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

'Before I order breakfast, which way is it to the 'International Bathroom of Pancakes'?'

'Don't order the Super Duper Jumbo Special.'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

'Missed again, eh, Bob? Maybe you should switch to decaf!'

Garlic Free Zone.

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

"Your mother texted us that you're not getting enough to eat, so I brought you twice what you ordered."

'Is that the smell of fear? Or is it just Meatloaf Monday in the cafeteria?'

'Would you folks like sparkling water or tap water?'

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

"It's an extra $2.00 if you want a candle with a wick."

"A table in Siberia, please."

Who had the cod, and who had the flying fish?

What's your most popular drink? Why do you want to know? Why base your order on what other people are buying? Don't be a follower. Be your own man. If you're unfamiliar with a drink, ask what's in it and decide for yourself whether that sounds good. Or better yet, live a little. Take a risk. Choose a drink you've never had at random and see where it takes you. You only have one life. Don't live it following in the footsteps of other people. That's kind of harsh. No, it's the name of the drink.

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

"Ignore the screams, sir. I'll get a new fork."

The Stages of Coffee Addiction

"I'm not all you can eat? But I brought my special plate!"

Today: Tomato Surprise. Of course the tomato surprise doesn't impress you, sir … You’re not a tomato.

Roadkill Restaurant

'Your bill sir.'

"I didn't know they could make so many entrees with vegetables!"

"Is this the wine you selected at random?"

"My depression is currently being treated with a combination of prescription medication and low-fat frozen yogurt."

"Herbert, don't! This is a gourmet coffee shop! You order instant de-caf and there's going to be trouble!"

"...And just what is wrong with deviled ham and deviled eggs?"

"They love me...they really, really love me!"

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

"We call this Casual/Retro dining. You get up and make your own PB&J back in the kitchen."

"Hmmm, I'm not sure – I’ll ask our chef when he sobers up."

"Oh, we've been a theme restaurant for about a month now."