Cafe Enthusiasts Gifts

"Pardon me, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation."

Voting on their Seats

The House of Java Cafe was suddenly a house divided. The humble establishment had been divided into faith-based and non-faith-based seating. Heathen! Blasphemer! Cereal-eater! Judgmental scone-lover! You have no values. You have even less! And some walking a not-so-delicate line down the middle. You're all stinkin' losers!

This cafe's frugal owner has hired a monkey to do tech support. Meaning what? When customers have computer questions, they ask the monkey. Monkeys can't fix computers. The least of the problems. Tech support ate my shoe. Can I sell you a scone to walk on?

Whatcha doing for vacation, Emily? Working at the beach caf� where all the lifeguards hang out. I'm ready for a summer of love! Me too! Aren't you babysitting? For 3 of the cutest little boys in West Fester Elementary. Check out the sexy chocolate milk mustache.

Fashion Cafe I'll not have whatever you're not having

"I do understand that you're going through a long, dark night of the soul - but couldn't you do it somewhere else?"

'HEY, WATCH where ya WALKIN' FOUR-EYES!'

"Separate checks please."

"I'm, like, really really upset about the, like, current situation in the Middle East...."

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

"I wonder if A.I. will inevitably become as tired and depressed as we are."

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

'The efficiency expert's recommendation is we drink more coffee!'

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

"Give me all the caffeine you have."

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

Joined at the hipster.

"I'll have a cup of coffee, and would you mind removing that ridiculous painting and turning off the Wilco?"

Joe's Kaff for Dinners! And Afters Too!

"Two vegans, please."

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

'Pretty strange term, market share, considering the whole object is not to.'

"I'll have another Rob Roy and a cup of coffee for my friend here."

"Motivational seminars are too expensive. Just buy stronger coffee."

Countervailing Clichés.

Non-Power Breakfast

'Note to self: Like coffee, homemade coffee wine should be available in decaf, too.'

"I love that you still call me 'honey'."

"Yuppies! There goes the hood!"

EU and India partnership.

"In accordance with our new 'sharing of responsibilities initiative,' you'll all be responsible for getting my coffee." i