Business Banter Aficionado Gifts

"Hire him, I want to watch his enthusiasm die."

'You don't understand, Hartwell -- the handshake WAS your Christmas bonus.'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

Spot the difference.

Boss's Desk Says No!

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"...but the big question is, does the competition know that we don't know what we don't know?"

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

'We're just like family. Stop mumbling, Cindy. Straighten up, Fred. Get that hair out of your eyes, Janet...'

"Mr. Johnson, Bob is kicking me under the table!"

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

'Our problem is how to lower quality while raising prices...'

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

Receptionist covers for boss by saying he's out of the office.

"It lost a little something in translation."

"Has anyone mentioned that you're management now, …… You don't get overtime."

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

Office temperature.

"The Gross National Product and the Gross Domestic Product are doing okay. It's the Gross Domestic Mojo that's going down the toilet."

"I know we're not lions, but let's call ourselves a pride anyway."

'Now, if you would all put on your glasses, we'll get a glimpse of our profits in 3D.'

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'