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"Hire him, I want to watch his enthusiasm die."

'You don't understand, Hartwell -- the handshake WAS your Christmas bonus.'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

Spot the difference.

Boss's Desk Says No!

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

"...but the big question is, does the competition know that we don't know what we don't know?"

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"Mr. Johnson, Bob is kicking me under the table!"

'We're just like family. Stop mumbling, Cindy. Straighten up, Fred. Get that hair out of your eyes, Janet...'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

'Our problem is how to lower quality while raising prices...'

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

"It lost a little something in translation."

Receptionist covers for boss by saying he's out of the office.

"Has anyone mentioned that you're management now, …… You don't get overtime."

'I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.

Office temperature.

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

ANOTHER FINE MESS, INC.

'Now, if you would all put on your glasses, we'll get a glimpse of our profits in 3D.'