Burglary Humor Gifts

Waste Thinner

"Oh we're fine, my husbands just learning to cook during the quarantine."

'And in local news: Someone is hiding behind the drapes.'

The Mafia Goes Green.

Wallpapering 4

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

"Little Timmy is big enough to use you burglary tools."

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

Early Ram Raids

'Hello, Mum!'

'No-one else would brag about being on Rogue Traders.'

Cuffwear, 2004

Police artist drawing a snarling dog while an injured cat desribes him

"Her name is 'Precious', but her nickname is 'why we can't have nice things.'"

"Try twenty-three left."

'Would you PLEASE hurry up!'

'I can't wait to tell the vet what a great mouser you are.'

Do you know why the kitchen ceiling is dripping?

"Hold everything, Louis!"

'No thanks, I don't except suites from neighbours.'

'Just your credit cards. I don't feel safe carrying cash these days.'

He Watched Sports

'. . . before we rob the bank, let's synchronise our pacemakers!

"Yeah, I get it, it's hot - but you don't hear me screaming every time, do you?"

Man coming home to a spider

Vinny 'The Mole' was a firm believer in Take Your Daughter To Work Day.

Harry 'Halitosis' Thribbs - do not approach this man.

'Dogs are from Mars, cats are from Venus.'

'It's a matter of opinion, to me it's a smash 'n' grab, to you it's a window of opportunity...'

'Clearly every one of these suspects has stolen my identity.'

THERE IS A MOUSE IN THE HOUSE... WHERE IS THE CAT?

"Ha Ha, it's just a small mongrel he calls 'Kalashnikov'."

"Quick Henry, pretend you're going to attack me."