Builder Gifts

"Escher! Get your ass up here."

"Worst-case scenario? The renovation goes three years and two million dollars over budget, one of you bludgeons me to death with my own hammer, and you both get the electric chair."

"You're not going to put that there, are you?"

"My contractor told me Rome would only take a day."

'Someday I'm going to quite this dam job.'

Men Looking Down a Hole

"How much we talking for a deck?"

The Contract & The Change Orders.

Designated area of outstanding natural profitability.

'Well, they were the low bidders.'

'I don't care if they are cheaper...we're not using them!'

'It's okay. We all forget occasionally. It's righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.'

'What you mean the specs are being changed again?!?'

Clear construction agreements are important.

'David discards his measuring tape for the faster 'eyeballing' method of measuring.'

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

'It says right here in your contract, folks: 'Some settling may occur during the first year'.'

'The client's not too happy with the way I interpreted the brief.'

'Let me just check the code book.'

'Today's not a real good day to move in.'

"And nobody noticed the crease in the blueprint?"

Work Safety - Ladders.

'Don't tell me how to work safely! I've been at this job for over five years!'

'Of course it's not a load-bearing wall!'

"Measure twice, cut once...and curse three times!"

Plastering the cracks.

A man about to plug in a lamp looks at electric sockets on the wall that say 'Solar,' 'Hydro Electric' and 'Nuclear.'

Jim found a way to make some extra cash on days when there was no work.

Unable to repair the On/Off switch, the electrician simply relabeled it.

Private Contractor's Target Fee as charity thermometer

I want you to draw up plans for a city that can be built in a day.

'I do not change the building codes every week. I do it every other week.'

'I haven't found anything wrong yet, but it's OK for you to go ahead and worry a bit longer.'

'Your husband started without me, didn't he?'

'Yes you did, Mike. You just said 'perchance.' And yesterday you called me 'my good fellow.' Twice.'