Construction Gifts

"Worst-case scenario? The renovation goes three years and two million dollars over budget, one of you bludgeons me to death with my own hammer, and you both get the electric chair."

"My contractor told me Rome would only take a day."

Men Looking Down a Hole

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

'Where ya goin'?' 'Collectin' nuts.'

The Contract & The Change Orders.

'Well, they were the low bidders.'

'It's okay. We all forget occasionally. It's righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.'

'What you mean the specs are being changed again?!?'

'David discards his measuring tape for the faster 'eyeballing' method of measuring.'

"Risk! What do you mean, risk?"

"We've decided to add forty floors."

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

'It says right here in your contract, folks: 'Some settling may occur during the first year'.'

"To be honest, the hardest part was the ISO certification."

"Maybe it would be easier if I just put a stake where it IS safe to dig!"

'Let me just check the code book.'

'What do you mean we can't finish on time? Do you want history to say that Rome wasn't built in a day?'

'Today's not a real good day to move in.'

Job Safety - Valves.

'Don't tell me how to work safely! I've been at this job for over five years!'

"And nobody noticed the crease in the blueprint?"

Work Safety - Ladders.

'Go ahead and dig, you said! what are the odds there's a pipe right there, you said!'

'I could be wrong, but I don't think that was supposed to be in the design. That's a coffee stain.'

'Have you seen that new safety inspector anywhere lately?'

Plastering the cracks.

Unable to repair the On/Off switch, the electrician simply relabeled it.

Private Contractor's Target Fee as charity thermometer

'I do not change the building codes every week. I do it every other week.'

Man's house has sign reading 'Sod the council'. His neighbour says: 'Frankly, I'm amazed you got planning permission.'

'Your husband started without me, didn't he?'

'I haven't found anything wrong yet, but it's OK for you to go ahead and worry a bit longer.'

I want you to draw up plans for a city that can be built in a day.

'I found the termites!'