Broadway Producer Gifts

"'Incest: The Musical!' I love it!"

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"Just be yourself."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Showbiz Awards

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Herman Mankiewicz

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

Trump! The Musical

Cut!

Working in the Hazard Zone!

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

'Being a superhero doesn't mean that everything about me is super you know!'

Film Festival. Events. Screenings. Ernie attends these festivals in costume. He's gone over to the dork side!

Falstaff

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

'Who do you think you're kidding, Slim? — the ruby slippers are a dead giveaway!'

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

Canadian film production

This side is the gag reel.

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Buster Keaton

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

'This is the last time we hire former Cirque du Soleil members as stompers.'

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."