Broadway Producer Gifts

"'Incest: The Musical!' I love it!"

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"Just be yourself."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Herman Mankiewicz

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

Trump! The Musical

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

Working in the Hazard Zone!

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

Falstaff

'Being a superhero doesn't mean that everything about me is super you know!'

'Who do you think you're kidding, Slim? — the ruby slippers are a dead giveaway!'

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

Canadian film production

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

'This is the last time we hire former Cirque du Soleil members as stompers.'

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

Little Red Riding Carpet