Breakup Expert Gifts

'Dear Jon...'

'Okay.. what the hell.'

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'You've changed since we got married.'

'It took me years of training, but now he's my perfect man.'

"Ours will be the first mixed marriage in my family. Dog people NEVER marry cat people."

"It's not you-it's me."

'We've been playing house for 5 minutes, and she's already nagging me to get a job.'

'I don't know about you, but he was really beginning to get on my nerves.'

"I've never, ever taken you for granted, Ingrid."

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

'Okay, we grew old together - Now what?'

'I leave a few spaces so you can get a few words in edgeways.'

"Just tell us who's winning."

"I'm the lot of baggage he comes with."

"I do love you, Robin, but I'm not sure I'm ready for a full-on commitment yet."

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

"Does it say 'I'm ovulating'?"

Ereptile Dysfunction

'There are signs of improvement but I wouldn't order Christmas cards with both your names on them.'

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

"All parents fight."

"It says here we should get a lodger."

"The Tudballs got married by a judge. I still say a jury should have been present!"

"Yes, this is exactly how wars start—because of someone's insensitivity!"

"Does this dress make my butt look big?"

'Do try and look intelligent-here comes my first husband...'

'She was upset about breaking up with 'Phoenix',your 'plenty more fish in the sea' just made it worse!'

"Nothing works with this guy. Would you like us to shoot the pool guy?"