Boastful Banter Lover Gifts

Albatross bragging about his latest catch...

POP goes the weasel, Collin, not ka-boom splat.

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

When Love In The Laboratory Turns Sour.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

An Archeologic Dig

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

Happy Hour 5-7. (Not really an hour, not really happy.) At last, truth in advertising.

'You're so nice and friendly that I've got nothing to moan about. That's a bit of cheek!'

"That fish may be bigger, but I caught more."

Cold caller.

The Gilmore Girls

"Don’t worry. You’re looking at the Frederick H. Tuttle Middle School long-jump champion."

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

When Stupid People Get an Idea

'Sure you always catch bigger fish than me. Your arms are a foot longer than mine.'

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

'Oh yeah, well, MY DADDY can scare ELEPHANTS!'

"Your Honor, I would like the record to state that Mr. Katzman is a 'hostile witness'."

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. Amanda Kern. Comics Counseling. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

"I may have bird legs but at least I don't have crow's feet."

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

'Here comes Ted.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"That's okay, I lost my wife years ago. Worst poker hand I ever played."

"Yes, you look presentable. Now get on!"

'Bragging at the Old Physicists' & Old Writers' Home.'

"Tom, we've started a little office pool on how long it'll take me to get your job. Want in?"

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

STILL LIVES - Double Head Match: 'I think we're a match made in heaven.' 'It seems more like the the work of the Devil to me!'

"Some prop-forward he's turned out to be."

'I do hope you enjoy your birthday lie-in, dear.'

"When we get inside, remember to use your indoor whining and complaining voice."

'You can't make a wit out of two half wits.'

'Have we met someplace? Yes, that's why I quit going there.'