Boardroom Jesters Gifts

"Phyllis needs to stop taking our staff meeting minutes."

'That's it? That's your backup plan?'

"I hate performance review season."

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'Our product flooded the market... Before backing up a deluge of consumer complaints!'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

"Now that I have everyone's attention..."

Bo're'droom

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"Mr. Johnson, Bob is kicking me under the table!"

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

'I went into that meeting with a hidden agenda and then forgot where I put it.'

'I've given a lot of thought to giving some thought to your latest proposal.'

The Department of Mystery - No one really knows who we are or what we do, including us.

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is, none of us will be alive then.'

'All those in doubt, raise your eyebrows.'

"When I said to convince him of the need for change I was hoping you'd use the seductive power of reason and logic."

"That's unanimous then - we don't know what to do."

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

'I want ideas so bold, so wildly innovative, so undeniably brilliant that they retain a shred of originality after everyone picks them to pieces.'

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

Stand-up comic/ceo: 'A funny thing happened on the way to the board meeting...'

"Our Big Hairy Audacious Goal is balding."

Business cartoon showing sales declining so much that they bounce off the floor.

"And I'm sure no one will mind if we fold a few clothes while we talk."

"Sorry, I'm preaching again. Why don't we pause for a moment while I pass around the collection plate."

'All in favor of just laughing it off, say ha, ha, ha.'

'I started out as a yes man, but I've evolved into a plucky devil's advocate who always sides with the boss in the end.'

"'Start a company, make money.' Your business plan may be missing a few steps in the middle."

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'