Boardroom Jester Gifts

"That's unanimous then - we don't know what to do."

'This is a very dysfunctional company. No one will talk aboaut about the elephant in the boardroom!'

'Unfortunately, we were a little off-target again this quarter.'

Bo're'droom

"Well we've had our 15% budget cut confirmed, nobody's applied for our vacancies and we're moving the office into a portocabin in the carpark. Item 2 staff morale"

"This is what happens when a family business doesn't have a succession plan!"

'I tripled my salary to give you all a good benchmark.'

'That leaves plan 'B' - absconding with the remaining funds.'

'Hah, he bowed lower than I did.'

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

Of course, we have to begin with certain assumptions. Let's assume I'm right and you're wrong.

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"Sorry, I'm preaching again. Why don't we pause for a moment while I pass around the collection plate."

'It's time for the executive performance reviews, Fenwick. I'll do you if you'll do me.'

"Please sit down, gentlemen. I think that once around the table with the wave will be quite enough, thank you."

"We deemed this criticism not constructive enough to warrant any changes on our part."

'Yes is no longer god enough. Can I get an Amen?'

'It is an interesting proposal. The upside is huge profits but the downside appears to be court ordered community service.'

"I want you to play a bigger role in the day-to-day operations of ignoring the obvious."

"The workers feel a disconnect with your leadership style."

"Heads we market globally, tails we fire locally."

"Would anyone like to hear about my bathroom extension?"

"You can't address share holders looking like that! Have you had a good look at this year's results...?"

"We're letting you go. I know I said the merger of our two companies was a win-win, but I meant win-win for me!"

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

'I want ideas so bold, so wildly innovative, so undeniably brilliant that they retain a shred of originality after everyone picks them to pieces.'

Tom would go to almost any length to liven up a dull meeting.

"All those in favour of sending this company to hell in a handbasket say aye!"

Great Deal Of Fund: Underperforming.

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

'I went into that meeting with a hidden agenda and then forgot where I put it.'

'Nice presentation, but lighten up on the self-deprecating humor.'

'I started out as a yes man, but I've evolved into a plucky devil's advocate who always sides with the boss in the end.'

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

'Of course I promise what I can't deliver. That's all I can promise these days.'