Bill Decoder Gifts

Thames Water bills rocket.

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

'You might show a little excitement at the figures, Johnson!'

'Stocks shot up. . . no one on the committee could understand a word that Bernanke was saying.'

"According to his will, he wants his outstanding debts to be shared equally between the three of you."

Information vs. confusion

Every Friday lunchtime procurement managers would gather to boast of the size of bid documents they had received that week.

I.R.S. - Attention Investors! Remember to 'Buy low, sell high' so we can collect capital gains tax!

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

"The are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't."

"But how can my taxes exceed my income?"

"Well, you helped me with my initial health issue, but now I've got headaches from dealing with billing and insurance!"

'Baby and Child Care Guidelines'

'His insurance company said it does not cover self-inflicted accidents.'

Europe and TTIP

"Of course it's hard to understand. They wouldn't be billing 'codes' , if they were easy to decipher."

'We've had our new simplified gas bill!'

'I'm now ready to make my own way in the world. But first, can you guys loan me 200 grand to pay off my student loan?'

Business restraining law firms

Marooned Optometrist

Revenue Canada gift shop.

'It's the toxic learning environment.'

"Then the hard drive says to the floppy, 110010001110011..."

'This is a rip-off!'

'...Send again doesn't look like they got it.'

'Sorry, but this report is simply unacceptable. Way too much mumbo... not nearly enough jumbo.'

'No it's not ?150 PLUS VAT - the ?150 is JUST the VAT!'

Russian Ministry of Disinformation

"Income tax has created more liars than golf and porn put together."

"The phrase 'expect the unexpected' must have originated with someone trying to decipher their cell phone bill."

"Honey, have you seen the size of this phone bill?"

'If the small print just locks me into the sweltering airtight hellhole that is the service agreement, we're in business.'

"That $36 is for the wrong number you dialed. It belongs to a lawyer."

"Wait a minute! What parts and labor?"

"I need something to tide me over between student loans and social security."